Connecting the dots...

7:25PM - Good Bye to the Good Life

Everything that has a beginning, has an end.

This year ends with a heavy heart.  As I begin a new chapter in my life, I am leaving behind all the strong ties that I have cherished and that have sustained me  - my friends, my roommates,  the city of Boston, the paychecks of my first job and this blog.

Yes, this is officially my last blog. Although it has served as a great medium of catharsis, I realize there is more value in listening and concentrating on one's goals than being judge-mental  about the bigger picture. Peace does not necessarily  come by an extrovert narration of  thoughts but rather by action.  Moreover,  I became a believer a long time ago, so continuing as mr_skeptic is contradictory anyway.

But before saying bye for the last time, I want to express gratitude to all those who have unconsciously directed by towards richness, joy and simplicity. These are people who have humbled me with their innocence and righteousness, lifted my spirit with raw zest and found me worthy of sharing their deepest thoughts with and have patiently listened to my vehement arguments. I have learnt  to accept pain and confusion as necessary ingredients of evolution.  I have felt that however different we might perceive each other, there is something universal and common in all of us.


Sarvetra sukhina santu.....

10:58PM - End of Exploration?

I just finished watching a documentary named "The Universe" on the History channel.  As one can imagine it was about Black holes, General Relativity, combining Relativity and Quantum Mechanics etc. There were questions like is the "information" (not mass or energy) that goes inside a mini-black hole (black holes that emit radiations instead of sucking everything in) come out exactly in the same way or is it lost. The presentation ended with Future Steps- building a 17 mile particle accelerator to collide to gold atoms and hope to create a mini black-hole! The accelerator essentially looks like 2 bangles - one in the XY plane and other in YZ.

You have to appreciate the documentary because all it talked about things like space-time horizon while using certain tenses (past, present or future) and still made sense.

Sure it was intellectually invigorating and my Amru roomie said "that is so cool !"

However my concerns are different
.
I am not concerned about how Switzerland could use its money in Swiss banks to bring peace in eastern Europe - I will leave that for their parliament to decide.
But I am skeptical that their parliament will be able to resolve the question of investing in this project if everything else was fine and smooth.

What will come at the end of such experiments - more scientific papers on the nature of reality - more confusion. Let us be extremely optimistic and say that there will come an equation/theory - more universal than General theory of relativity - which can explain all material phenomena

I think it is here that philosophy comes into picture. Richard Rorty - one of the leading philosophers of our time has championed the cause of Pragmatism. Pragmatism has several branches but its essence is "There is no point capturing/isolating Truth or Good in Equations or sentences". Historically metaphysicists/ theologists/ empiricists have tried to do this - this has been the goal of Western philosphy for 2500 years!

100 years after Einstein- we are still trying to go beyond him. Einstein himself did not publish anything as great as his previous works in his last 30 years. String theory is not universally accepted. Are we too weak to accept the fact that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. How illuminating is E= mc2 even in our deepest thoughts? Has it moved us closer to "Reality"?
We do not even know what it is that we seek.

I am not advocating that we should end all scientific experiments and stop thinking about the bigger questions. But rather to redirect our search - maybe outside science.Maybe we should have some idea of what answers will satisfy those of us that care.

Kenopnishad: "vaachaa anabhyuditam" - That (Brahma) cannot be illuminated by language.

3:00AM - Noble Disasters

I usually do not cry while seeing or reading fiction because I see fiction as imagination that sells.

But there have been a few writers who write from the heart and for the heart. Whatever little I have read of kalidasa's Shaakuntal and some parts of Mahabharata  (if this book is fiction Vyas was God)  have been extremely  touching.  O Henry's Last Leaf and the movie Raincoat - based on his novel had heart breaking endings.

Last weekend I saw Gone Baby Gone. 
(Caution- Show spoiler)
Movie is about a drug addict's 2 year old girl who gets kidnapped and the rest of the movie is suspense. But in the end, it turns out that the good cop, Morgan Freeman had set up the whole kidnapping drama to adopt the child and give her a better future . When the protagonist comes to know of it - he says that was "illegal" and gets Freeman arrested. The baby comes back- her mother puts up a great senti show against the media. Everyone felt that Freeman was doing the Right thing. The hero's girl friend leaves him.

Here is where I cried - the last scene - the child's mother is wearing loud clothes to go out on a date and asks the hero to baby sit while she is gone. The girl and the hero are watching a cartoon and the movie ends. I could not help asking - "Will she be loved again? - what will she turn out to be, growing up in Boston's worst neighborhoods"

I am extremely angry at the hero - he committed an unpardonable crime - operating blindly in the framework of LAWS set by society - seeing them as universal and unquestionable. As civil engineers , we are encouraged to challenge the CODE - not follow them blindly.  Dharma is within us  - we know it when it feels right or wrong.

In hindsight, the communist manifesto was a noble disaster and so was the Christian-ization of the West - people who imposed it took pride in imposing order in society and as coming from some higher authority. Soldiers going to fight in Iraq every day see their acts as moral - obeying Bush. Same holds for Al Quaida - how is imposing laws strictly different from mass hallucination. Maybe the biggest crisis of our time is lack of self belief.

My conscience is my God - Gandhi

8:14PM - Maya

Several names have been given to the playfulness of nature both inside and outside of us - Lila, Maya, Truth, Beauty, Harmony, Kudrat. These words make more sense - thanks to modern science. The Newtonian way of looking at the world as cause-effect relations or in terms of forces and mass, was replaced by Einstein's general theory of relativity. The theory said that the earth revolves around the sun and the electron around the nucleus not because of an unknown forces. In fact there is no force per say - the earth moved naturally i.e. in a straight line in a curved space time created by the sun's mass. What this meant was an end to an object subject way of looking at things, an end of CAUSE - EFFECT paradigm.

Everything was natural- as it was meant to be.  Clearly this makes more sense than getting stuck up in a loop of infinite WHYs. The argument can be extended to resolve the evolution vs. intelligent design debate. The theory of intelligent design falls apart when you ask If God made the universe, who made god question - beginning of an infinite loop. However it is hard to deny the comprehensibility of all things that are.

And of course there is the inner nature - We are not even in control of our own life- swayed by anxiety, fear, love and hope, guided by likes and dislikes. Neither genetics, nor psycho-analysis, nor anthropology has all the answers to our behavior, thoughts and feelings. Books titled 100 Ways of becoming happier will always have a market because we have not decoded the one mantra of happiness yet.

The patterns within us are obvious and intuitive but still we cannot put a finger on the MECHANISM, making them as external to our understanding as atoms and waves.

Absolute causality is replaced by a blurred inter-connectedness - or playfulness of nature - MAYA, whose most fundamental characteristic is change.

My mind is personifying her as a dancer vibrating eternally with her various moves, capable of the RAS LEELA and TAANDAV at once - becoming the mind and matter, force and object, cause and effect.

The more you reflect about Maya - the more you are astonished.
It was good knowing you MAYA

Reporter: Do you believe in God
Stephen Hawking: Yes, If by God you mean embodiment of the laws of this universe

Current mood: peaceful

9:11AM - Sweet Emotion

When I was a kid, I was not a calorie freak. I declared my love of sweets openly. Clearly I was a favorite of all kaka kaki masa masi 's. I used to happily finish their stock of mithai - be it ras malai or rajbhog or kaju katri or thakorji no prasad - which of course was no longer prasad.

But lately my love of sweetness has become more abstract. I enjoy sweetness in songs, movies, poetry and most importantly people.

Poems of mystics like Narsih Mehta and Tagore have this jadu feeling. Their whole expression of surrendering to something greater and eternal is visible in their lifestyle- not just their songs. It is very obvious to me that they fell genuine love for all things and beings, which makes me think they are pantheists. Of course there are sufis and urdu poets like khalil gibran and kabir who have taken mysticism to a whole new level.  They are not seekers - they enjoy effortlessly.Kind selfless gestures on some occasions evoke similar feelings of gratitude and humility. Unfortunately the skeptical mind looks for ulterior motives mistrusting the benevolence in human spirit.

Speaking of sweet spirits, I have to mention the auntiji phenomenon.  What amazes me is their tremendous command over their environment. The doodhwala, the istriwala, the bhajiwala are all afraid of her - in a good way! They will keep masko-fying her with bhabhiji and memsaab and usually do not take shouting at heart - they even smile sometimes when she shouts.
The husbands of auntijis are happy to take orders about all trivial things. Children are the only ones who disobey her orders but then negotiations come to an end by both parties crying and hugging each other.
She can be playful with anybody without reservations- advise neighbors about going for a second child and solve family disputes with a smile.

In some sense I feel she too like these mystics does not see herself different from her world

Current mood: artistic

2:31PM - Hindustan umeed se hai..

This normative hill
like all others
is transparently accessible,
out there
and in the mind,
not to be missed
except in peril of one's life.

Do not muse on it
from a distance:
it's not remote
for the view only,
it's for the sport
of climbing.

What the hill demands
is a man
with forces flowering
as from the crevices
of rocks and rough surfaces
wild flowers
force themselves towards the sun
and burn
for a moment.

How often must I
say to myself
what I say to others:
trust your nerves--
in conversation or in bed
the rhythm comes.

And once you begin
hang on for life.
What is survival?
What is existence?
I am not talking about
poetry. I am
talking about
perishing
outrageously
and calling it
activity.
I say: be done with it.
I say:
you've got to love that hill.

Be wrathful, be impatient
that you are not
on the hill. Do not forgive
yourself or other,
though charity
is all very well.
Do not rest
in irony or acceptance.
Man should not laugh
when he is dying.
In decent death
you flow into another kind of time
which is the hill
you always thought you knew.

-Nissim Ezekiel

3:56PM - Changing the world...

"Top down solutions in developing countries will almost never work. They have to be bottom up" - said Mr. Iqbal Qadir (an entrepreneur who introduced Grameen phone in Bangladesh) at a recent public lecture held at MIT. Although I am not very familiar with managerial verbiage, I kind of understood what he said - Do not tell people how to solve their problems, just give them the opportunity and means to solve them. They are smart enough to figure it out themselves.

This was confirmed by some Design-for-Sustainability professors who said that they learnt more than what they could teach when they went to Ghana. One of them said "Saying that you went to MIT is more of a liability than an asset"- there was a laughter of recognition from the audience.

But all this can be very disturbing for some of my colleagues (and a part of me) who want to do something dramatic like change the world or something. It can be hard to accept that there is not a lot they can do as individuals to uplift "society" except probably loving the ordinary person. Their heroism will be left unfulfilled because no change will be directly attributed to individuals anyway. For some people working as a modest member of a team and putting group effort and collaboration above the individual will only make them feel ordinary and unrewarded. These are not necessarily people who wanted power but people who defined the meaning of their life to come from the fountainhead of their ego and the passion to live life to the lees.

But such individuals usually become stronger in challenging situations - and this is a challenge - to become more collaborative and to find joy in smaller details. Eventually it is the rigor (inherent in their nature) and the love of people they work for and work with that will eventually make them feel valued at the end of the day.

I know it takes great initiative sometimes to apply yourself to the microcosm that surrounds you than stare at the vast emptiness within it. I have recently committed myself to watering my landlady's tomato plants everyday for a couple of weeks while she is away.

Current mood: cheerful

10:59AM - Naked thoughts and jet lag

        I just came back from the other side of the globe called Bombay. It was exactly like living there two years ago - except the prices had shot up threefold. I was expecting people to have changed at the pace of my imagination - their desires and needs to have transcended.  My hunger for novelty was not satisfied in this respect. No real surprises.

    But there was also solace - the fact that I could always go back to the same reality where I was moderately happy and relaxed. I could enjoy both, spiritual pursuit, vegetarianism and camaraderie with great ease. The downside was I knew I would continue to be sarcastic and a social critic without adding value. The decision of going back can wait for the time being.

    There is not a lot more to be said about "how was your trip to India" question - It was emotionally overdue and it is over. Let us move on. Details are pointless like spellings and grammar.

    The last 48 hours I have been in a maze. Time passed. Thoughts passed. Unstoppable dreams. Unnecessary emotions. I was just there on the plane, in my house. There was simultaneous awareness of a spinning mind - I had no control. The mind was creating outlets of entertainment. I was anxious, I was afraid. I just watched the show, taking breaks when I was tired, shouting out - STOP. Imagination, memory, inspirations all were dancing. But in between there were questions - where are you all coming from - who summoned you here. I am not in control - I smiled. There was no pain, only awareness - I cried.

Am I the observor of my own mind or does it just feel like that. What if all thoughts are impersonal i.e. they exist with awareness of existance - there is no real source - they run according to a program - something like a random number generator on a human platform -  purposeless, meaningless, useless entities that force action and give meaning to action.

What does it mean to be a spiritual machine?

We think therefore we are. There is no I.

STOP




 

Current mood: weird

9:57PM - Detached

Me:     Did you see Ashish's new BMW
Pari:   No - but I heard its very classy - a 4 wheel drive
Me(pretending I understood the mechanism of 4 wheel drives ):     Its brave to buy such a car before starting out with your first job
Pari(casually):    Koi log bahut shokheen hote hai. Tujhe aisa koi shok nahi hai kya

Usually I dont take offense to such statements, but Pari(in spite of his innocent looks) was after all my senior. The thought disturbed me- he is right - I dont have any interests. I am an anathema in this age of individualism. I remember how much Chetan and my manager had to persuade me that buying a car was better than walking to work on ice. Last week I hesitated to buy a racket although playing tennis is my only goal this summer - kisise jugaad lenge!
 
No American sports interest me - I made a great effort to understand all the rules of baseball and american football - but keeping track of which league is doing well has never been a priority

Movies and TV shows are running out of  new ideas.

Fiction and I never went together - I just gasp in amazement when people finish all volumes of harry potter and lord of the rings within weeks.

Traveling is not exactly fun - all cities are the same(more or less)

Probably music has been my only true companion, but I dont want to over listen songs I like because I may stop appreciating it.

For the same reasons my most expensive clothes rarely come out of my closet

I live in an apartment- cheaper than my grad-dorm.

During an interview, I told a prospective empoyer that I got into IIT by luck.

There are several rationalizations to this self-denial

I can live without it -  I dont want to make myself dependent
Narcissism is ugly. The great were humble
Family  and friends comes first - Inter-dependence is greater than independence
I come from a developing country where getting two meals a day is not gauranteed
Religious texts have examples of people who have questioned the superiority of material power
(Maitrayee: Will  the wealth of the world give me moksha,  Arjun: If this war will make me king of heaven and earth, then I do not desire them)
My friends and professors are greater self-deniers (they have denied themselve six figure salaries - for what I do not know yet)

Although I respect assertive people with strong will- power,I still do not feel any pressure to change.

Current mood: calm

6:25PM - Forca

It is the passion flowing right on through your veins
And it's the feeling that you're oh so glad you came
It is the moment you remember you're alive
It is the air you breathe, the element, the fire
It is that flower that you took the time to smell
It is the power that you know you got as well
It is the fear inside that you can overcome
This is the orchestra, the rhythm and the drum
It is the soundtrack of your ever-flowing life
It is the wind beneath your feet that makes you fly
It is the beautiful game that you choose to play
When you step out into the world to start your day
You show your face and take it in and scream and pray
You're gonna win it for yourself and us today

Current mood: ecstatic

9:56AM - Work is overrated

This blog is a tribute to a genius named Bertrand Russell, whose writings have been a solace (escape?) in times of confusion and lack of motivation.

One of the difficult questions that I have not been able to answer is about the utility of action as an end in itself - i.e. not as means to survival or pleasure. For some people it is stupid to ask questions like what would  I do with a million dollars.  (For others it is not.-a Texas truck driver won a jackpot of 1.13 mn in Vegas. When asked by a journalist on how he planned to use that money, he said he wanted to buy a truck.)

I will not try and argue with the moralist here who believes in the divine order of duty at the cost of free-will. My argument is with the serious-minded workaholics - who derive joy and dignity from being industrious and engaged in activities to a point beyond which it becomes monotonous and uninteresting even to the observer.  Other like me fall in neither categories. We fall in between - i.e we believe that if X amount of work gives us peace and stability, then 2X amount of work gives us more peace and stability and happiness and the market hypnotizes us in believing that the world is run by the dedication of individuals like us who do not question the impact on the bigger picture, as long as it is producing more money and jobs, i.e. more work! Our uncalm, (or should i please you by saying "dynamic") urban minds easily buys the rhetoric. Like Russell points out, people do not remember their moments of hard work as their most beautiful moments when they are on their death beds.

I am not saying that we should avoid work. I am arguing for the naturalization of work - that we should do something not because it needs us, but because we need it.

I know it is easier said than "done".

For a more convincing argument, I urge you to read In praise of idleness

11:24AM - Question

If
I live for you and you live for me
Then
what are WE living for ?


P.s. : Try constructing this statement? using logical constructors. :)

Current mood: curious

11:40AM - Nostalgia

At times I have always professed that one should get over the past and start moving on...focus more on the present and the future. To put it more pragmatically,

Lo Ateet se utna hi jitna poshak hai, jeern sheern ka moh mrutyu ka ghyotak hai
(let only that part of the past affect you inasmuch it helps you to take decsions now)

as opposed to

Kal ko apne saath mai le le dard bhi tere kaam aayega.

Although the former idea is more appealing (at least to reason), I am not sure whether everyone (or anyone) has the capacity to make that choice.

Can Indian fans stop agonizing over the world cup loss? Can immigrants stop thinking about their homeland, however uninviting it may be?
Can we stop thinking about the loss of a dear one? Can we stop thinking about all those small things that went into our nourishment (or perhaps "mal-nourishment" in some cases)  -  from a cousin we were jealous of to a crush we never talked to?

Most of these impulses are I believe useless in terms of how we should lead our lives

The weak and sensitive will cry out "Its not that easy". The wanna be strongs will neglect such emotional affinities and see them as  evil and getting in the way fo their progress.

The question is never what is  the right thing to do  It is always What is the wiser thing?

11:28AM - What hath God Wrought

 "The endless praises of the choirs of angels had begun to grow wearisome; for, after all, did he not deserve their praise? Had he not given them endless joy? Would it not be more amusing to obtain undeserved praise, to be worshipped by beings whom he tortured? He smiled inwardly, and resolved that the great drama should be performed.

 "For countless ages the hot nebula whirled aimlessly through space. At length it began to take shape, the central mass threw off planets, the planets cooled, boiling seas and burning mountains heaved and tossed, from black masses of cloud hot sheets of rain deluged the barely solid crust. And now the first germ of life grew in the depths of the ocean, and developed rapidly in the fructifying warmth into vast forest trees, huge ferns springing from the damp mould, sea monsters breeding, fighting, devouring, and passing away. And from the monsters, as the play unfolded itself, Man was born, with the power of thought, the knowledge of good and evil, and the cruel thirst for worship. And Man saw that all is passing in this mad, monstrous world, that all is struggling to snatch, at any cost, a few brief moments of life before Death's inexorable decree. And Man said: `There is a hidden purpose, could we but fathom it, and the purpose is good; for we must reverence something, and in the visible world there is nothing worthy of reverence.' And Man stood aside from the struggle, resolving that God intended harmony to come out of chaos by human efforts. And when he followed the instincts which God had transmitted to him from his ancestry of beasts of prey, he called it Sin, and asked God to forgive him. But he doubted whether he could be justly forgiven, until he invented a divine Plan by which God's wrath was to have been appeased. And seeing the present was bad, he made it yet worse, that thereby the future might be better. And he gave God thanks for the strength that enabled him to forgo even the joys that were possible. And God smiled; and when he saw that Man had become perfect in renunciation and worship, he sent another sun through the sky, which crashed into Man's sun; and all returned again to nebula.

 "`Yes,' he murmured, `it was a good play; I will have it performed again.'"

Current mood: pensive

6:38PM - The choice is yours

Recently I have been watching two shows religiously
1. South Park
2. Colbert report

The first one has some of the most creative jokes, I have heard in the animated world. The latter is also a form of animated humor (Colbert is one level above Jim Carrey) . The beauty of the show is that Colbert himself makes such fallacious arguments with his guests that truth behind the argument becomes very clear. I think he is one of the smartest persons in media who how deliberately says stupid things to point out the stupidity in his audience (including me).

Last week a lot of democrats in the white house were being investigated against various charges and a study showed that ratio of democrats investigated outnumbered republicans by 5 to 1. Here is what Colbert commented on it -

"If that is the case then why dont all democrats become republicans? After all isnt being democrat or republican a matter of choice - you know  - like being gay"

Current mood: amused

6:50AM - More important things to do

4 months before presidential election

Journalist to Abdul Kalam: Sir, are you going to run for president again?

Kalam: No, I want to teach physics  :)
Aah genius!

Current mood: happy

7:44PM - An Inconvenient truth

My past few posts on the fact that power is not distributed equitably (different from equally) in a capitalist Western (empiricist as opposed to idealist) society like USA was an expression of disgust towards a collection of megalomaniacs who think of themselves as being omniscient. Right now I shall not discuss why I think extreme liberalism combined with hard core empiricism are dangerous.

A concern for environmental causes was suppressed even though it was expressed as a critical issue by most scientists.

The harmful effects of burgers and sodas are also unanimously agreed in scientific community but hardly accepted in public.  I am eagerly waiting for the movie Fast Food Nation

Recently, I came accross another disturbing fact - Aggresive video games produce aggressive behavior. Feel free to verify this yourself by reading this article on Violent Video Games: Myths, Facts,and Unanswered Questions.

A discussion is also available on MSNBC.
This time the devil is in the minds of video game manufacturers and not the media.

The funny part is that if I tell my orthodox cousin back in India about all this - he will say "What is the big deal in proving such trivial facts - I already knew this".

But just being aware of such things is not enough nowadays because we cannot just turn our back with a "Let him eat, let him play and let him die" attitude because he is going to kill me and 12 other kids before he shoots himself. The issues are more than personal.

Current mood: calm

11:21PM - RDB

Just realized that Rang de basanti was an attempt to create an awareness about the tyranny of the power law.

As the movie rightly shows, the phenomenon is timeless - there is nothing new about it.

I think it is also spaceless - French revolution, rise of Communism, etc etc

I am just beginning to understand the meaning of the phrase - Absolute power corrupts absolutely

Just wondering - isnt capitalism some sort of absolute power? (Reference: Chomsky  - Failed States)

Current mood: blank

5:13PM - 4 fingers pointing back to me

Bura Jo Dekhan Main Chala, Bura Naa Milya Koye
Jo Munn Khoja Apnaa, To Mujhse Bura Naa Koye

Current mood: guilty

4:28PM - Thesis Correction

In my previous blog on the popular culture, I was  trying to make a point (as Rishi rightly pointed out) that elite opinion is drowned in popular opinion. But I now realize that the model that was used to explain it was only partially correct. I was only looking at the pull side or the demand side of the equation.

I recently came across the push side (or the supply side) of this phenomenon on a blog titled tyranny of power law  - one of the best blogs I have ever read.

Essentially what it means in this context is that 20% of society controls 80% of power - the power to promote the values it wants. So for example in hollywood or bollywood, certain types of movies are pushed down people's throats whether or not they like it by the top 20% media distributors. Similar examples can be seen in business and politics and sports.

Whatever happened to equal opportunity.
It is now making me wonder whether we truly live in a democratic society or only in the illusion of democracy created by plutocrats

Current mood: apathetic